I've no idea why my biggest weakness seems always to be self doubt in life. I know I am really good at so many things. I always just seem to start things and never once finish. I started to define myself by my profession, what ever it may be, take that away and I now feel like a complete failure. Even though I was never really happy doing any of the career choices/paths I went down. I'm struggling to figure out what I should do, where should I go? The only things that have ever made me happy are the ones I have the most trouble sticking to...
Photography, writing (I've got so many amazing story ideas, and just things to say from what I've been through), cooking, computers/technical skills, mechanical skills. Once I do something once in those, I usually never forget. I never make recipes, I just plan and do it, and can repeat it. Same with just about everything on a long list. I've been gifted with a great memory, but for the longest time since I'm not sure when sometime after I dropped out of Covenant College I feel this fog (and even when trying to start studying again, but I know why I didn't stay there, I never wanted to be there and felt like that's where I should be and people thought I should be), this strange mental barrier. My friends compliment me often and see not only potential, but raw talent, but I am afraid maybe? I walked through serious cancer without blinking and faced it head on, but I have a hard time just waking up and doing the routine? What the hell is that? All these amazing experiences, pain, hardships, and I'm still just a bitchy whiner? I don't feel like anyone that knows me will ever really stand with pride for me. I could make a huge list of talents I could develop, but I don't want to, why? I am already in a bad way right now and thinking about more things I haven't finished isn't helping.
I have no idea what to do with my life right now, and the only place I have to go to talk about it with anyone is a blog I never really started that well with a ton of unfinished/unposted articles and ideas. I don't feel as if I can really open up to anyone, and the people I feel like I can are so far away or just so busy. I don't really want to grasp out to a lot because I feel like I always come back to these same feelings and this same sadness, I'm a broken record doomed to repeat. People talk that you have to know your past, man I'm nothing but my past, and will never be my future.
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